180 pounds. This isn’t me. Who's this tired creature that’s replaced me? What happened between 120 pounds and 180? 6 years happened. Cancer happened. 2 pregnancies and 2 babies happened. IBS happened. An allergic reaction happened. A blood clot happened. Blood thinners happened. Collotis happened. This body that’s barely functioning that I have to push just to do basic stuff happened. ⁠
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6 years, 60 pounds. That’s like 10 pounds a year. Of stress, of trying to exceed and meet everyone’s expectations- but mainly my own. 10 pounds of new apartment stress. New marriage stress. Work stress. New mother stress. Money stress. Losing a home stress. Almost getting a divorce stress. Cancer stress. New city stress. Now I'm a stay at home mom stress. Now I'm a mom of two stress. Now I'm a student stress. I can't keep up stress. I'm not getting any sleep stress. ⁠
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You see, my weight tells a story. The story I told myself was tired, overweight mom. But stories are never quite that simple. The story I thought others saw was young, lazy mom let her body go and didn't put in the effort to keep herself in shape. Body needing to be loved- that’s the story my body’s telling me. Body needing to heal- that’s the story my weight tells. Body that was strong enough to survive so much so fast- that’s the story I'm starting to read. ⁠
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I can’t change the weight immediately- believe me I've tried. But I can change the story my weight tells. I can change the story I've told myself. I’m going to love all 180 pounds of me. I’m not going let my weight weigh on me. I’m going to change the story.⁠

“Body Image” a vignette for Kindred originally appeared here .