The Messy Middle 10.7.15
The Messy Middle
If you are reading this for the first time please see previous post :
Intro- The truth about Pain and Hope.
You could call this the sequel to that. This may not make sense without reading the other one first. Back when this all started a few months ago and I was in the thick of it, I made a commitment to not compromise myself anymore. To stop sucking it up and pretending everything's ok when really, I felt like I was drowning. I am not implying that I was going to stop trying, or just stay stuck where I was. But rather I wouldn't act like nothing was wrong when the whole world had been pulled from beneath my feet.
So, what is this? This is the nitty gritty of recovery. When you're caught in between pain and hope, when you're in-between giving up and the starting over. This is a commitment to honesty. Brutal, painful, honesty that might have saved me some trouble in the first place. I find myself caught in between the loss of everything I faced this summer and believing for redemption and restoration for the future.
I don't know when the pain ends and when hope returns...I want too be past this place I currently find myself in. As does anyone who finds themselves in a painful situation. The most difficult thing about where I find myself is not knowing when it will end when I just want it to be over. But I have to keep facing it everyday. I remember prior to surgery feeling the dread of having to pick up the pieces of my life and my heart because nothing would ever be normal again. Sometimes your heart replays the pain long after your head stops replaying what happened. Sometimes you lose the desire to run the race. It's scary starting over and it's hard work. But we're not doing it alone.
It's hard to see a future past the pain. I'm writing to share a piece of comfort I have found.
Rather than reference scriptures about hope (there are many) I have chosen instead to share a scripture that has meant a lot to me personally. This time last year I experienced the loss of a home as my new baby was born. I was not homeless ( blessed enough to have family take us in) but I still experienced the loss of having my own home right as my baby was being brought forth. This scripture has held new meaning and new comfort as I have encountered new struggles and challenges this year.
1 Praise the Lord, my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
2 Praise the Lord, my soul,
and forget not all his benefits—
3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
5 who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
I focus on verse 2 when I am caught up in pain, loss, or simply the overwhelm that life brings. Some translations say " Who redeems your life from destruction". Whatever the enemy uses to bring destruction. Be it financial troubles, issues with your health, heartbreak or anything- God can bring redemption! I have focused on other verses recently " Who heals all your diseases",
"crowns you with love", "satisfies your desires", "renews your youth". Why I am using this passage in reference to recovering and hope? Because when your hurting you're usually doubting.
When you're in pain and you're experiencing loss it's easy to doubt or forget that God is good.
I encourage you if your struggling now, or even if you're not, to remind yourself of God's goodness.
That he forgives you, heals you, redeems what the enemy meant to harm and destroy you, has compassion towards you. He satisfies your desires and renews your youth. I realize this may not be the answer you wanted or the one I wanted. But, remembering God's goodness is something we need to do as we recover and begin to hope again. I pray this brings you comfort in your struggle as it has brought me in mine.
Where do I currently find myself ? Taking it one day at a time... I wish I could see the future stretching out before me like you see the ocean when your standing on the beach. But right now I just see where my toes get wet. I may not see strength or happiness on a daily basis. But I see Love; a God who loves me, the opportunity to choose love, and the family I love. Sometimes I have to take a good look in the mirror and ask myself my motivation for serving God. Is it so I can be strong and happy? Because that shouldn't be the main reason. Not to say there is no Joy or promise of strength in serving God, there is. But I think He is also concerned with how I am loving Him and others. Just a thought.
I recently started a business from home ( Thrive Life- See the bottom of the page on preparedness for link) and part of the training was putting together my "Why"- reasons for starting the business. Well this "Why" also applies to my life. Why I work , get up and try again, what my motivation is for overcoming. My "Why" - God, Family, Love. They all go together. What is your Why?
So, three months post surgery. Still struggling with hypothyroid symptoms. Starting a new prescription as my body is still "out of whack" so to speak. Jumping back into the work arena (kind of a big deal) . Can't say that its my dream job, it's in the same line of work as what I did before. (Catering) Only this time I will get to do weddings! Yay! I still hold out hopes for getting to hold a creative position one day, being an entreapenuer, and "stay at home mom". I would very much appreciate your prayers in this transition for Grace and strength.
Yes, the struggle is real. The struggle is part of the story. But, the story continues. This can be hard to remember when I feel like "struggle" is the only word for the season I'm in, or how nothing comes withouta struggle. It's a struggle to wake up everyday when your body feels like it hasn't slept, a struggle to believe when your faith has been shaken, a struggle to eat healthy and exercise when it only prevents more weight gain instead of helping with weight loss, a struggle to be a good mom and work everyday when your constantly feeling exhausted, a struggle to not feel like a failure, a struggle to not constantly ask "why?", a struggle to let go of the heartache and disappointment.
Seems like there will always be some kind of struggle on this side of heaven. Events unfolded this summer that shook me to the core. That shook my faith and all my confidence. But my challenge to myself and to anyone reading this is to give God whatever little "yes" you possess.
Yes, I want to trust. Yes, I want to forgive. Yes, I want to have faith. Yes, I want to heal. Yes, I want to let go. Yes, I want to overcome. No matter how small, God will take our little yes. And our struggles, and bring us through. There is no struggle greater than God's love, and no struggle can disqualify us. Whatever your struggle is today, I pray you feel Gods comfort. Whatever you're feeling caught in between I pray that you know Love is writing the story. Love is writing your story.
We will overcome, because Love overcame. Because God overcame, we can see redemption come through pain.
Rather than be disqualified by my weakness, pain, or doubt, I am giving God my little yes today.
And trusting Him to bring me through.... even while I'm feeling caught in-between.
All content and Images Copyrights Hannah Lacy 2015-2017